I'm back! And I'm frustrated.

First off, let's just not talk about what I've eaten since my last post and move on.

Hello all. I'm sorry I've abandoned you for the past few days. I honestly just haven't known what to write about recently, so I thought it would be better to be silent and reflect rather than post something meaningless. Also, Chris stole the computer from the office and hooked it up to the TV for some reason, so there's that.

I've been thinking a lot about happiness lately. One of my oldest, dearest friends in the world started up his own blog as a way to figure out how to achieve happiness for himself, and I think that is absolutely wonderful. I look forward to reading his posts every day and I sincerely hope he eventually finds what he's looking for. But his writing has made me reevaluate what my blog's purpose is. I told you guys it would be about losing weight and getting healthy, but so far that's not happening and it's entirely my own fault. For the life of me, I can't figure out what compels me to eat junk and avoid exercise when I not only know the consequences, but I have thought and written about them extensively. It's like a little gremlin is living inside my brain that turns off my healthy living motivation switch at about 7:30 p.m. As convenient as it is for me to blame a nonexistent brain creature, though, I'm starting to wonder if I have a serious problem. I think I finally have to admit to myself that I'm not happy.

Let me be clear: I'm happy with my husband, my family, my friends, my career, my house, my dog and mostly everything else. I've been blessed so much that I really couldn't list everything if I tried. But for years I've been content to live with the body I thought God gave me, when in actuality I've been abusing my body by turning it into something unhealthy. Outwardly, I've attempted to advocate for body positivity and acceptance because it's heartbreaking to see other women hurt themselves trying to achieve their ideal of beauty. Inwardly, I'm lost and confused and grasping for some answer as to why and how I got this way.

Another thing I've realized that's contributing to this feeling of unhappiness is that I'm a boring person. Please don't be that nice friend who comments and says, "No you're not, you're a blast, and conversations with you are so interesting!" I know what you're trying to do. I thank you for it. It still isn't helping. I really, truly am very boring. I have the same routine every morning, every day, every week, every month. A few fun outings are sprinkled in occasionally so I don't go insane, but my life is pretty stagnant. I read this Thought Catalog post this morning: http://thoughtcatalog.com/elyse-gorman/2014/01/48-little-things-you-can-do-to-make-yourself-happier-now/ (Say what you want about Thought Catalog, every so often they come through with some great stuff.) And I realized that I literally do almost none of those things. It's not that I don't want to, it's just the thought never even crosses my mind that I have these options. Have I completely lost the ability to think creatively? Am I a hardened old cynic without realizing it? Has marriage thrust me into this self-absorbed world where all I care about is snuggling with my husband every night instead of us going out and actually doing something interesting together?

That's a lot to unpack.

On that first note, I feel like it's high time for me to talk to a professional about my weight issues. I don't really know what's going on in my own body, so I don't really know what or how much it needs. Following a doctor's plan seems like the best way to sort this whole mess out. However, the one thing keeping me back from seeking out advice from a doctor or weight counselor is the knowledge that I'll have to step on a scale. It sounds so stupid but it really terrifies me. I've even been putting off making a yearly OB/GYN appointment because yep, there's a scale in that office too. I really don't know where all this shame and embarrassment comes from. Doctors and dietitians are (mostly) nonjudgmental and are only there to help, not criticize, plus they're also used to seeing cases much more severe than mine. I think I just need to swallow my pride and do it. Otherwise I'll never get to my weight loss goal, because I'm unwilling to even track my progress properly.

On the second note, well ... I think that's something I'll have to work on little by little. Some of it is stuff Chris and I can work on together. Some of it is stuff I have to figure out on my own. Maybe it's best to focus on just one problem at a time.

I interviewed a woman the other day for a Josephine story. The topic was about eco-friendly living, but she said something that applies to any situation that stuck with me: "You have to be deliberate about it." Any type of positive change I want to achieve can only happen if I constantly make choices to promote that change. This blog isn't meant to only track my progress and give stupid updates like, "Look how great I'm doing!" It's a blog about life, and life is hard. Consider this my attempt at finding my own happiness as well, like my good friend is; but in my case, I have to figure out things like healthy living and self-control on my journey. These are my thoughts and feelings about the whole process, and sometimes they're ugly. But they are real. And I'm okay with that.