As a human being, I have many faults. One of them is a glaringly embarrassing example of why I have such a hard time sticking to a healthy diet plan or exercise routine. Actually, it's the root of a lot of my problems -- I don't follow through.
Because sometimes I honestly don't remember. And when I do remember, apathy sets in. "Well, I already forgot to do X thing when I said I would do it, so why try now?" It's pretty bad.
Case in point: I started writing this post three days ago, then saved it to my drafts to finish and publish later that evening. Clearly that didn't happen. Whoops.
I'm one of those people who thinks grabbing coffee with an old friend sometime is a wonderful idea, but then I forget to set a time and place with them so coffee goes by the wayside. I see a delicious looking recipe on Pinterest and make a mental note to get the ingredients to make it, but by the end of the day that mental note is long gone. I intend on finally cracking open that book I've been meaning to read on late nights when Chris is working, but then I remember that I really wanted to finish that episode of "Bones" I started the other day. (I read the intro and first chapter of the book in question over a month ago. I still haven't started the second chapter.)
I don't know whether it's a product of a terrible memory or a lack of willpower and self control, but feel like a failure when I become someone who doesn't fulfill her promises, both to other people and to myself. I hate it. I absolutely HATE that I do this. And I don't know how to fix it.
This is why I can't get back into reading or keep a food journal or take a brisk walk every day or pay bills on time ... or post regularly scheduled bog updates. Because my body and my brain don't get along.
Will a doctor's visit really force me to change my eating and exercise habits, or will I brush off (or forget) all the good advice the minute I walk out the door? This is a legitimate fear of mine. So much so that I'm starting to wonder if I have some sort of disorder. I could call it Whateveritis or Stage IV Meh.
Or maybe I'm totally overreacting and this is just a by-product of being someone who was born in 1990. People my age read and write and talk about feelings like this all the time, so maybe I shouldn't beat myself up about it. Either that, or the internet is just a big ol' garbage dump full of dumb personal essays written by whiny kids in their 20's and I should stop reading anything that has the word "Millennial" in it. (Actually, everyone should stop doing that.)
When I started this post (three days ago, remember?), I had intended on finishing up with some watered down resolution to start trying to wake up earlier to fit in a little morning exercise and get a better start to my day. But it's almost the weekend and I'm frustrated with myself, and even I didn't believe the words I had written, so there's no chance you guys would either. Let's just chalk this week up to, "Brooke tries really hard to not be a flighty, irresponsible person, but her plans usually don't go very well."
By the way: I FINALLY got an appointment with a new doctor to talk about my weight. It's set for next Thursday morning. Prayers, good vibes, and nice thoughts are appreciated!
P.S. Sorry about all the parenthetical statements in this blog. I know I overuse them. That doesn't mean I'm gonna stop doing it, though!
P.P.S. Did you get the joke in my post title?? Yeah, I'm pretty hilarious. *buffs fingernails on shirt*
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Quick life updates
If you can't tell already, I'm bad at updating this thing daily. Or even every other day. It's no wonder that all my heartfelt attempts at keeping a journal throughout adolescence went down the drain after a couple weeks.
Still, I'm determined to be at least a semi-regular poster, so here are some things that have happened since my last entry. (It's not much.)
Valentine's Day: This day honestly has never been a huge deal to me, whether I was single or married. I didn't have a Valentine for the first 20 years of my life, so I guess I never had high expectations? Chris and I's first Valentine's date was perfect and romantic and fancy and everything that a stereotypical and cliche V-Day is supposed to be, and I loved it. Our second one ... I can't even remember. Most likely we were apart because of stupid school, but I'm sure we got to cuddle during the weekend before/after. Our third, we ordered a heart-shaped pizza from Domino's, got a case of beer and watched movies on the couch. I think it was Lord of the Rings, but I'm not sure. Pure bliss. This year, Chris had to work Valentine's night, so we had a lovely little gourmet grilled cheese lunch and he surprised me by sending these little beauties to my office:
Later that night, I got to hang out with my dad since my mom was out of town. We had dinner at my favorite Mexican restaurant (La Mesa all the way, and anybody who says any different is wrong) and then talked at our table for another half hour after we were done because, why the heck not? Then we headed down to Coppa downtown because they were having three different bands play. We got there at 8:30 because they were supposed to start at 9:00 ... yeah, that didn't happen. Not even close. We left at 10:45ish and the first band was only three songs in. Still, it was really fun to drink beer and people watch and laugh at St. Joe's hipster crowd with him. Also, I made a new friend after she tipsily joined us at our table. (Since we were the smart ones that got there early and got to actually sit down! Everyone else was eyeing us jealously the whole time.) It was a really wonderful, albeit uneventful, evening, and I'm glad we were both temporarily single so we could spend it together.
Dave Ramsey classes: Seriously guys, Chris and I are pretty convinced this class is going change our lives. Whether or not you like Ramsey and his methods, it definitely seems to be striking the right note with us. We're already trying very sincerely to change our saving and spending habits, and we're only two classes in. We can't wait to learn all about budgeting and the envelope system (because we're big nerds) and hopefully that will put us on the right track to changing our financial behaviors for good. Fingers crossed!
Doctor's appointment: Alas, I haven't had my big checkup yet! I was hoping by now that I would have it under my belt so I could have a better idea of what I'm dealing with when it comes to weight loss. Unfortunately, since I don't really like my primary doctor, I had to request to be seen by someone else in that office. I called over a week ago to put in the request, which must be approved by both doctors, and they still haven't gotten back to me, even after I checked in yesterday to see what was up. If I still don't hear back soon, I guess my next step is trying to get in to see a nurse practitioner at a different office.
31 Party: It's happening this Saturday and I'm so excited/nervous! My house still isn't company-clean yet, and I need to shop for appetizer groceries, but it's getting close. Hosting my first party in my own home is a weirdly thrilling part of adulthood that I haven't experienced yet. (No, my rockin' New Years Eve party of 2012 doesn't count since it was at my parents' place.) Even though most of the people coming have already been over, I still want it to look pretty and professional. And yes, that means quarantining the dog to the backyard for a couple hours the day of, because his history of growling at strangers and grabbing food from counters doesn't make him a very nice party participant.
Well, that's about it. Thanks for reading anyway! I'm 80% sure my next post won't take me another week to write, and it will be a little more interesting. Maybe 70%. I like making up percentages.
Still, I'm determined to be at least a semi-regular poster, so here are some things that have happened since my last entry. (It's not much.)
Valentine's Day: This day honestly has never been a huge deal to me, whether I was single or married. I didn't have a Valentine for the first 20 years of my life, so I guess I never had high expectations? Chris and I's first Valentine's date was perfect and romantic and fancy and everything that a stereotypical and cliche V-Day is supposed to be, and I loved it. Our second one ... I can't even remember. Most likely we were apart because of stupid school, but I'm sure we got to cuddle during the weekend before/after. Our third, we ordered a heart-shaped pizza from Domino's, got a case of beer and watched movies on the couch. I think it was Lord of the Rings, but I'm not sure. Pure bliss. This year, Chris had to work Valentine's night, so we had a lovely little gourmet grilled cheese lunch and he surprised me by sending these little beauties to my office:
 |
| In case you're wondering about the card, yes, his nickname for me is Poopie Pants. Don't ask me why. It just happened one day. At this point I think it's cute, but feel free to form your own opinions. |
Dave Ramsey classes: Seriously guys, Chris and I are pretty convinced this class is going change our lives. Whether or not you like Ramsey and his methods, it definitely seems to be striking the right note with us. We're already trying very sincerely to change our saving and spending habits, and we're only two classes in. We can't wait to learn all about budgeting and the envelope system (because we're big nerds) and hopefully that will put us on the right track to changing our financial behaviors for good. Fingers crossed!
Doctor's appointment: Alas, I haven't had my big checkup yet! I was hoping by now that I would have it under my belt so I could have a better idea of what I'm dealing with when it comes to weight loss. Unfortunately, since I don't really like my primary doctor, I had to request to be seen by someone else in that office. I called over a week ago to put in the request, which must be approved by both doctors, and they still haven't gotten back to me, even after I checked in yesterday to see what was up. If I still don't hear back soon, I guess my next step is trying to get in to see a nurse practitioner at a different office.
31 Party: It's happening this Saturday and I'm so excited/nervous! My house still isn't company-clean yet, and I need to shop for appetizer groceries, but it's getting close. Hosting my first party in my own home is a weirdly thrilling part of adulthood that I haven't experienced yet. (No, my rockin' New Years Eve party of 2012 doesn't count since it was at my parents' place.) Even though most of the people coming have already been over, I still want it to look pretty and professional. And yes, that means quarantining the dog to the backyard for a couple hours the day of, because his history of growling at strangers and grabbing food from counters doesn't make him a very nice party participant.
Well, that's about it. Thanks for reading anyway! I'm 80% sure my next post won't take me another week to write, and it will be a little more interesting. Maybe 70%. I like making up percentages.
Friday, February 14, 2014
On fatness, happiness, and clothes
I have to take a moment to get up on my soap box today.
This morning, I read this post on Thought Catalog that made my blood boil. (Thought Catalog and Buzzfeed, despite their many faults, are and probably always will be guilty pleasures of mine. Deal with it.) Though I hate to give the page more clicks than it deserves, take a moment to read the article -- it isn't very long -- before continuing on here, otherwise the rest of what I say won't make much sense.
The writer contends that fat people are incapable of being happy because their bodies are too big. If they claim to be happy, she assumes they're either stupid or lying to themselves.
Whoa whoa whoa. First and foremost, I'm 60% sure that whoever is behind this is either terrible at writing satire or is intentionally trying to troll the internet. But if she is serious, I find it incredibly sad that she bases happiness solely on weight and body image. She must not have a whole lot of good things going on in her life if she thinks being a size 8 (which IS thin, despite what she says) will magically make her life better. And for her to assume that everyone does think or should think like she does is woefully ignorant. I am unhappy with my body, but that doesn't make me an unhappy person. Where did her wires get crossed, and what makes her think she has the right to tell others how to feel just because she successfully lost some weight? (That she'll most likely gain back, and then some, in the not so distant future.)
She says remaining fat is a choice. Okay, for some people, sure. What she doesn't take into consideration is the idea that losing weight isn't always easy to change due to medical, genetic, emotional, and cultural reasons. If someone is suffering from a disease that requires medication known for causing rapid weight gain, for instance, telling them to suck it up, get off the couch, and eat a salad isn't going to help. Neither is berating them for feeling any sort of happiness not related to their size or appearance. It's just wrong. And her saying she sympathizes with overweight people because she is a "former fat girl" is laughable. Most people I know who have lost a significant amount of weight are nothing but positive and encouraging to others.
It's a little comforting to see that most respondents in the article's comment section scorn her for her hateful words. But for as many people who express disgust at the article, just as many agree wholeheartedly with the message, further perpetuating fat-shaming stereotypes and driving vulnerable overweight girls closer and closer to the brink, giving them the idea that they are worthless because their bodies are bigger than those of their peers unless they do something about it.
Whew. Okay, I'm done being angry. Time to move on.
The only thing she does get right is that clothing companies don't make clothes for fat people. I'm intimately aware of how mainstream stores fail overweight people time and time again with their limited, ill-fitting plus size options. It IS uncomfortable to be fat. Dressing every day is a struggle for me. I constantly tug at my waistband so that it won't cut into me while I'm trapped in a desk chair 8 hours a day. Some types of clothing cause sores or chafing; gross, but true. Don't even get me started about finding a bra that fits right and doesn't poke me with wires or give me quadra-boob without costing a fortune.
It's especially bad right now because I tore two different pairs of work appropriate pants in a span of 24 hours. For one of them, a hole wore through in the inner thigh -- the fate of all my jeans, eventually. For the other, my seam caught on part of the garage door frame literally right as I was walking out the door for work. (Yeah, it was that kind of Monday.) Now my winter work clothes options are limited to one pair of jeans (that fit), a long dress, a long skirt, a plethora of tops and sweaters, and a couple pairs of terrible khaki cargo pants that I only pull out in emergencies. I need to go shopping for new clothes but I'm broke and I hate trying things on. When will it get any easier?
Well, it will get easier once I start losing some weight, of course. But I hope I don't become one of those people that instantly feels happier and more positive just because of a shrinking waistline or the shrinking number on the scale. I truly try to be a good-natured person every day and I want to positively influence everyone I meet if I can. The heartless, cruel thinking of the Thought Catalog writer will not deter me from this goal. If anything, it gives me even more of a reason to encourage others who are on the same journey I am.
This morning, I read this post on Thought Catalog that made my blood boil. (Thought Catalog and Buzzfeed, despite their many faults, are and probably always will be guilty pleasures of mine. Deal with it.) Though I hate to give the page more clicks than it deserves, take a moment to read the article -- it isn't very long -- before continuing on here, otherwise the rest of what I say won't make much sense.
The writer contends that fat people are incapable of being happy because their bodies are too big. If they claim to be happy, she assumes they're either stupid or lying to themselves.
Whoa whoa whoa. First and foremost, I'm 60% sure that whoever is behind this is either terrible at writing satire or is intentionally trying to troll the internet. But if she is serious, I find it incredibly sad that she bases happiness solely on weight and body image. She must not have a whole lot of good things going on in her life if she thinks being a size 8 (which IS thin, despite what she says) will magically make her life better. And for her to assume that everyone does think or should think like she does is woefully ignorant. I am unhappy with my body, but that doesn't make me an unhappy person. Where did her wires get crossed, and what makes her think she has the right to tell others how to feel just because she successfully lost some weight? (That she'll most likely gain back, and then some, in the not so distant future.)
She says remaining fat is a choice. Okay, for some people, sure. What she doesn't take into consideration is the idea that losing weight isn't always easy to change due to medical, genetic, emotional, and cultural reasons. If someone is suffering from a disease that requires medication known for causing rapid weight gain, for instance, telling them to suck it up, get off the couch, and eat a salad isn't going to help. Neither is berating them for feeling any sort of happiness not related to their size or appearance. It's just wrong. And her saying she sympathizes with overweight people because she is a "former fat girl" is laughable. Most people I know who have lost a significant amount of weight are nothing but positive and encouraging to others.
It's a little comforting to see that most respondents in the article's comment section scorn her for her hateful words. But for as many people who express disgust at the article, just as many agree wholeheartedly with the message, further perpetuating fat-shaming stereotypes and driving vulnerable overweight girls closer and closer to the brink, giving them the idea that they are worthless because their bodies are bigger than those of their peers unless they do something about it.
Whew. Okay, I'm done being angry. Time to move on.
The only thing she does get right is that clothing companies don't make clothes for fat people. I'm intimately aware of how mainstream stores fail overweight people time and time again with their limited, ill-fitting plus size options. It IS uncomfortable to be fat. Dressing every day is a struggle for me. I constantly tug at my waistband so that it won't cut into me while I'm trapped in a desk chair 8 hours a day. Some types of clothing cause sores or chafing; gross, but true. Don't even get me started about finding a bra that fits right and doesn't poke me with wires or give me quadra-boob without costing a fortune.
It's especially bad right now because I tore two different pairs of work appropriate pants in a span of 24 hours. For one of them, a hole wore through in the inner thigh -- the fate of all my jeans, eventually. For the other, my seam caught on part of the garage door frame literally right as I was walking out the door for work. (Yeah, it was that kind of Monday.) Now my winter work clothes options are limited to one pair of jeans (that fit), a long dress, a long skirt, a plethora of tops and sweaters, and a couple pairs of terrible khaki cargo pants that I only pull out in emergencies. I need to go shopping for new clothes but I'm broke and I hate trying things on. When will it get any easier?
Well, it will get easier once I start losing some weight, of course. But I hope I don't become one of those people that instantly feels happier and more positive just because of a shrinking waistline or the shrinking number on the scale. I truly try to be a good-natured person every day and I want to positively influence everyone I meet if I can. The heartless, cruel thinking of the Thought Catalog writer will not deter me from this goal. If anything, it gives me even more of a reason to encourage others who are on the same journey I am.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
I think a trip to the gynecologist finally changed my attitude about weight loss for good.
I'm feeling a mixed bag of emotions about my health today.
I went to the gyno yesterday, and while everything down there is fine, my doctor did express alarm and concern (not judgement, because she's wonderful) about my weight. I'm glad she did, because I went there with the intention of asking her for advice on who to talk to about making a weight loss plan.
My official weight is (drum roll) ... 279. Not too far off the mark from what I estimated in a previous post. The scary thing, though, is that at my appointment last year, I weighed somewhere around 238. Still kind of terrible for my age and height, but at least it's 40 pounds less than where I am now. How does someone gain 40 pounds in one year without even realizing it?
I could blame post-wedding weight gain. I could blame stress. I could blame a number of things. But realistically, I know it's my lack of exercise and poor eating habits I've had for the past, oh, 23 years that have gotten me to this point. As of today, I'm determined to put a stop to it. I know, I know, I've said that before many times in this blog, but this time I'm serious. At this point, I HAVE to make changes. Period. My health relies on it. There's no point in me feeling ashamed or sad or anxious about my weight anymore because everything is already all out on the table. I just have to make a decision to move forward. NOW.
My doctor gave me several recommendations of doctors I should talk to so they can do a whole health evaluation and help me build a plan -- blood work and everything. I'm actually kind of excited, because doctor's orders will probably help me see results much faster than me just arbitrarily picking numbers and goals for myself without the right knowledge. But I'm also a little scared that the test results might reveal a thyroid problem or diabetes concerns, so pray with me that that doesn't happen.
Until I am able to see a doctor, I retooled my My Fitness Pal numbers and goals to reflect something a little more realistic. (Before, I'd put in that my weight was 270, I wanted to eat 1500 calories a day, I would exercise 4 times a week, and I wanted to lose 2 pounds a week. Haaaa.) I think these new numbers -- 279, 2050, 3, and 1, respectively -- will be a little easier to achieve and will help me feel less anxious about what I eat and when. (The program customized the calorie count to 2050 for me, in case you're wondering.) But like I said, today is a new start, so I'm not giving myself any more free passes. And to prove it to you:
Breakfast: Oatmeal with cinnamon and a little sugar (man, those gummy last couple bites are rough to choke down) and a clementine. And black coffee, because I'm trying to cut down on cream and sugar. Black coffee is actually really good! (Yes, I'm becoming one of those people. We all knew it was coming.)
Lunch: Errr ... Three slices thin crust veggie pizza and one slice chicken supreme pizza. We had an office meeting! It was free! I tried to eat the healthy versions! The chicken slice was more like an afternoon snack an hour later! Although surprisingly, these four slices were only 730 calories, so it wasn't as bad as I anticipated. If you're watching calories but craving pizza, go with veggie thin.
Dinner: Brown rice with peas, carrots, soy sauce and Sriracha; cottage cheese; a tortilla with hummus. Now THIS is a diet meal.
I went to the gyno yesterday, and while everything down there is fine, my doctor did express alarm and concern (not judgement, because she's wonderful) about my weight. I'm glad she did, because I went there with the intention of asking her for advice on who to talk to about making a weight loss plan.
My official weight is (drum roll) ... 279. Not too far off the mark from what I estimated in a previous post. The scary thing, though, is that at my appointment last year, I weighed somewhere around 238. Still kind of terrible for my age and height, but at least it's 40 pounds less than where I am now. How does someone gain 40 pounds in one year without even realizing it?
I could blame post-wedding weight gain. I could blame stress. I could blame a number of things. But realistically, I know it's my lack of exercise and poor eating habits I've had for the past, oh, 23 years that have gotten me to this point. As of today, I'm determined to put a stop to it. I know, I know, I've said that before many times in this blog, but this time I'm serious. At this point, I HAVE to make changes. Period. My health relies on it. There's no point in me feeling ashamed or sad or anxious about my weight anymore because everything is already all out on the table. I just have to make a decision to move forward. NOW.
My doctor gave me several recommendations of doctors I should talk to so they can do a whole health evaluation and help me build a plan -- blood work and everything. I'm actually kind of excited, because doctor's orders will probably help me see results much faster than me just arbitrarily picking numbers and goals for myself without the right knowledge. But I'm also a little scared that the test results might reveal a thyroid problem or diabetes concerns, so pray with me that that doesn't happen.
Until I am able to see a doctor, I retooled my My Fitness Pal numbers and goals to reflect something a little more realistic. (Before, I'd put in that my weight was 270, I wanted to eat 1500 calories a day, I would exercise 4 times a week, and I wanted to lose 2 pounds a week. Haaaa.) I think these new numbers -- 279, 2050, 3, and 1, respectively -- will be a little easier to achieve and will help me feel less anxious about what I eat and when. (The program customized the calorie count to 2050 for me, in case you're wondering.) But like I said, today is a new start, so I'm not giving myself any more free passes. And to prove it to you:
Breakfast: Oatmeal with cinnamon and a little sugar (man, those gummy last couple bites are rough to choke down) and a clementine. And black coffee, because I'm trying to cut down on cream and sugar. Black coffee is actually really good! (Yes, I'm becoming one of those people. We all knew it was coming.)
Lunch: Errr ... Three slices thin crust veggie pizza and one slice chicken supreme pizza. We had an office meeting! It was free! I tried to eat the healthy versions! The chicken slice was more like an afternoon snack an hour later! Although surprisingly, these four slices were only 730 calories, so it wasn't as bad as I anticipated. If you're watching calories but craving pizza, go with veggie thin.
Dinner: Brown rice with peas, carrots, soy sauce and Sriracha; cottage cheese; a tortilla with hummus. Now THIS is a diet meal.
Saturday, February 8, 2014
Weekends
Ever wonder what goes on in the exciting daily life of Brooke Wilson? Here's a sample of everything I've done this evening:
-Watched Detectives Benson and Stabler hunt down no less than 10 rapists and bad guys.
-Washed, dried, folded, and put away almost every single thread of clothing in the house.
-Ate leftovers for dinner. It was the same thing I ate for lunch. (Pro tip: Taco Bell nachos do not lend themselves well to being refrigerated and then reheated.)
-Lectured my dog for the umpteenth time that, yes, we have neighbors, and sometimes they go outside and get in their cars to go places, and he's just going to have to accept that without having an emotional breakdown every time he hears a noise he doesn't recognize.
-Started and deleted two different meandering, unfocused blog posts because I sounded like a whiny millennial. Just the thing my generation doesn't need one more of.
I've been reading a lot about loneliness lately, both on other friends' blogs and on online articles. My weekends can get pretty lonely. Chris works Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights, taking our only reliable mode of transportation with him and stranding me at home. (We're slowly but steadily working on getting my set of wheels up and running so that doesn't happen anymore.) On nights most couples have fun dates, I'm home by myself with a grumpy, irritable Australian shepherd mix. In addition to that, most of my friends in town are either working or in a different city visiting other people on the weekends. Needless to say, I don't get out much unless Chris and I have errands to run during the day or there's a family or social outing I had planned on attending.
I don't want to complain too much. As much as I love my husband, it's sometimes nice to have the house to myself and get things done without him here to distract me. And as a moderately introverted person, I appreciate my alone time when I feel like I need it. On nights when I'd rather be with other people, though, it gets kind of hard. I get stuck in this cycle of Netflix-housework-snack-repeat, even if I know I should take Moe on a walk instead, or read a book, or start a new project, or text someone on the off chance they might not be busy. Is it because I'm too complacent? I've heard that introverts tend to stick to the status quo, even if they want a change, because not changing their pattern is easy and familiar. It's also a cop out.
Eventually, I know I want to move to another city. I want a different job. I want to go on a second honeymoon. I want to see Europe. I want to have babies. I want to drive a car that was made in the 21st century and make sure it always has a full tank of gas. I want to live in a house that Chris and I bought with our own money. I want to buy groceries from the fancy, expensive part of the grocery store. I want to treat myself to a daylong shopping spree, massage, haircut, and mani/pedi without feeling guilty or anxious about it.
All those things probably won't happen in my twenties, and I realize this decade is for self-discovery and figuring out your place in the world. I'm sure most people my age feel this same way, they're just not letting on. Or they're actually doing something about it. But can you sue a girl for wishing things could be different, even if she has to be slowly persuaded to go outside and find out what that thing is herself rather than relying on wishes?
In the meantime, I guess I'll sit here in my sweatpants and fuzzy socks and try to find out if "The Croods" really deserved that Oscar nomination or not. So far, I'm not convinced.
P.S. I realize now that I did, in fact, come across as whiny after all. Oh well.
-Watched Detectives Benson and Stabler hunt down no less than 10 rapists and bad guys.
-Washed, dried, folded, and put away almost every single thread of clothing in the house.
-Ate leftovers for dinner. It was the same thing I ate for lunch. (Pro tip: Taco Bell nachos do not lend themselves well to being refrigerated and then reheated.)
-Lectured my dog for the umpteenth time that, yes, we have neighbors, and sometimes they go outside and get in their cars to go places, and he's just going to have to accept that without having an emotional breakdown every time he hears a noise he doesn't recognize.
-Started and deleted two different meandering, unfocused blog posts because I sounded like a whiny millennial. Just the thing my generation doesn't need one more of.
I've been reading a lot about loneliness lately, both on other friends' blogs and on online articles. My weekends can get pretty lonely. Chris works Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights, taking our only reliable mode of transportation with him and stranding me at home. (We're slowly but steadily working on getting my set of wheels up and running so that doesn't happen anymore.) On nights most couples have fun dates, I'm home by myself with a grumpy, irritable Australian shepherd mix. In addition to that, most of my friends in town are either working or in a different city visiting other people on the weekends. Needless to say, I don't get out much unless Chris and I have errands to run during the day or there's a family or social outing I had planned on attending.
I don't want to complain too much. As much as I love my husband, it's sometimes nice to have the house to myself and get things done without him here to distract me. And as a moderately introverted person, I appreciate my alone time when I feel like I need it. On nights when I'd rather be with other people, though, it gets kind of hard. I get stuck in this cycle of Netflix-housework-snack-repeat, even if I know I should take Moe on a walk instead, or read a book, or start a new project, or text someone on the off chance they might not be busy. Is it because I'm too complacent? I've heard that introverts tend to stick to the status quo, even if they want a change, because not changing their pattern is easy and familiar. It's also a cop out.
Eventually, I know I want to move to another city. I want a different job. I want to go on a second honeymoon. I want to see Europe. I want to have babies. I want to drive a car that was made in the 21st century and make sure it always has a full tank of gas. I want to live in a house that Chris and I bought with our own money. I want to buy groceries from the fancy, expensive part of the grocery store. I want to treat myself to a daylong shopping spree, massage, haircut, and mani/pedi without feeling guilty or anxious about it.
All those things probably won't happen in my twenties, and I realize this decade is for self-discovery and figuring out your place in the world. I'm sure most people my age feel this same way, they're just not letting on. Or they're actually doing something about it. But can you sue a girl for wishing things could be different, even if she has to be slowly persuaded to go outside and find out what that thing is herself rather than relying on wishes?
In the meantime, I guess I'll sit here in my sweatpants and fuzzy socks and try to find out if "The Croods" really deserved that Oscar nomination or not. So far, I'm not convinced.
P.S. I realize now that I did, in fact, come across as whiny after all. Oh well.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Titling posts is probably the hardest part of blogging
Between my last post and now, I went through another minor internal bout of "I don't really know what to write about because life is shaky and unstable right now, so I'll be quiet." I think I need to stop having those kinds of thoughts. Just because I am unsure of myself sometimes doesn't mean my thoughts and words aren't valuable. I'm going to try harder to post every day, even if the posts are short or silly, because I'm trying to be a better writer and thinker. Practice makes perfect, after all.
It's been a weird week. Terrible, awful weather (and unreliable vehicles that won't drive in it), minor illness (Chris sure does throw up a lot ... maybe he's pregnant), money troubles (as always), and a very sad loss in my extended family. However, things are starting to look up. Chris and I start our first Dave Ramsey "Financial Peace University" class tonight and we're super stoked about it. (Is it weird to still use the word "stoked" in 2014?) We sincerely want to try to be better at managing and saving our money and making smart purchasing decisions. Our hearts have been in the right place, but without that extra oomph and the tools and knowledge we need to get better at money management, we've been failing. Especially when it comes to bills. After tonight, we're determined to not let that happen anymore.
I also have this itch I've been needing to scratch for a long time but just haven't had the energy to do anything about it. Until now. Starting today, I'm going on a room-by-room cleaning spree of the entire house starting with the bathroom. My wonderful husband was a huge help last night by vacuuming and mopping the entire main living area while I was at work. Now I need to get down to the small details and the organization part. I'm hosting a 31 party on February 22 and by God, I'm determined to show guests a sparkling home. (If you're a female and you're reading this, you should come to the party! Message me or comment for details!)
In terms of my weight, I've still managed to attempt healthy breakfasts and lunches most days, even if my dinner choices sometimes derail my progress. I'm seeing my gyno for a yearly appointment on Monday, and while there I'll ask her for recommendations on who to talk to about a health-oriented weight loss plan. I have a few different Heartland dietitians in my repertoire that I frequently interview for stories, but I think I might need a health overhaul and run a whole gamut of tests first to make sure I start doing things the right way and give my body what it really needs. Plus, I haven't had a basic wellness checkup in over three years, so it's high time I get that taken care of.
Shout out: Thank you to my readers who have been following me through this journey. I can't begin to describe how starting this blog has changed my perspective for the better. So many friends and family members, both near and far, have reached out to me to offer support, advice, encouragement and kind words, and it has truly lifted my spirits. I may not be very close to reaching my weight goals, but I'm thankful that in a way, we're all in this together. Many people even started their own blogs after mine went live (though I don't want to take the credit for their good ideas) so it's awesome to read about other people's experiences. Keep reading and commenting, and write your own blog posts to share with me! I love catching up with old friends to hear how their post-college experiences are going. In this day and age, friendships come in all forms, and the digital one kind be just as rich and fulfilling as any other.
It's been a weird week. Terrible, awful weather (and unreliable vehicles that won't drive in it), minor illness (Chris sure does throw up a lot ... maybe he's pregnant), money troubles (as always), and a very sad loss in my extended family. However, things are starting to look up. Chris and I start our first Dave Ramsey "Financial Peace University" class tonight and we're super stoked about it. (Is it weird to still use the word "stoked" in 2014?) We sincerely want to try to be better at managing and saving our money and making smart purchasing decisions. Our hearts have been in the right place, but without that extra oomph and the tools and knowledge we need to get better at money management, we've been failing. Especially when it comes to bills. After tonight, we're determined to not let that happen anymore.
 |
| No more of this. |
I also have this itch I've been needing to scratch for a long time but just haven't had the energy to do anything about it. Until now. Starting today, I'm going on a room-by-room cleaning spree of the entire house starting with the bathroom. My wonderful husband was a huge help last night by vacuuming and mopping the entire main living area while I was at work. Now I need to get down to the small details and the organization part. I'm hosting a 31 party on February 22 and by God, I'm determined to show guests a sparkling home. (If you're a female and you're reading this, you should come to the party! Message me or comment for details!)
In terms of my weight, I've still managed to attempt healthy breakfasts and lunches most days, even if my dinner choices sometimes derail my progress. I'm seeing my gyno for a yearly appointment on Monday, and while there I'll ask her for recommendations on who to talk to about a health-oriented weight loss plan. I have a few different Heartland dietitians in my repertoire that I frequently interview for stories, but I think I might need a health overhaul and run a whole gamut of tests first to make sure I start doing things the right way and give my body what it really needs. Plus, I haven't had a basic wellness checkup in over three years, so it's high time I get that taken care of.
Shout out: Thank you to my readers who have been following me through this journey. I can't begin to describe how starting this blog has changed my perspective for the better. So many friends and family members, both near and far, have reached out to me to offer support, advice, encouragement and kind words, and it has truly lifted my spirits. I may not be very close to reaching my weight goals, but I'm thankful that in a way, we're all in this together. Many people even started their own blogs after mine went live (though I don't want to take the credit for their good ideas) so it's awesome to read about other people's experiences. Keep reading and commenting, and write your own blog posts to share with me! I love catching up with old friends to hear how their post-college experiences are going. In this day and age, friendships come in all forms, and the digital one kind be just as rich and fulfilling as any other.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
